I just woke up in such a hot, sweaty panic from the worst nightmare. Normally I’m fortunate enough not to remember any detail of what happened, but not today!
As dreams usually work, it began right in the middle and I have no idea why I was there: I was at the house my cousins used to live in when they were younger, it was one of their birthdays and I had a cake that still needed to have icing put on it, which seemed to take eons and there was disaster because the icing ran out. This problem for some reason seemed to be taking forever to solve until, well, it was solved.
And then BAM! These goblin-esque, Hills Have Eyes deformed creatures that reminded me of gangly, scrawny birds come out of a secret passage they have. They shriek and make awful noises that rattle you to the bone and their facial expressions are that of sociopathic, proud over-achievers. They have a few problems: one needs a wife, the other needs to feed it’s baby, and they need more workers for their farm, so they drag us down this tunnel (they didn’t say the information, I just knew it).
It’s like a whole other world underground, everything is dark, hot, dusty and smells like death. I’m terrified sitting in God-knows-what on the ground when one of them speculates my face and then licks it with an extraordinarily long and slimey tongue. I immediately feel something wrong in my mouth.
The dream jumps around quickly as I’m being dragged around by the one creature that’s been the most focus thus far. He speaks to me which I found odd but that’s cool, less to figure out. He talks about their farms as I can feel myself being dragged uphill, and suddenly I’m thrust over the edge of a very long drop, desperately trying to keep my toes touching the edge as he holds onto me by my hand. He had made no inclination of wanting me dead, at least at this moment, so I’m confused about the purpose of this until a light (what really seems like a strobe light, it was such a dark dream I could feel myself squinting) passes over the ground under me. And I see thousands upon thousands of animals herded together, and distant screaming. I feel so many questions racing through my mind that he answers without being positive if I’m saying them out loud. He tells me about the fact that they use the cows for mating purposes, because the women of their species can’t hold their offspring so they impregnate the cows. He tells me that because they live so far underground, they can’t feed the cattle the way humans feed them. He tells me that the screams I hear are my family being fed to starving bovine. My heart falls into my stomach.
The dream jumps again, as I’m watching another creature dicing pieces of one of my family members (because his head was still intact on the table) and feeding the pieces to its baby. As if I already didn’t want to throw up, but suddenly the thing in my mouth is bothering me again.
The dream jumps again and I’m being dragged through a lot of land filled with blood and bones and decaying body parts, and then I’m forced to watch the ritual where they impregnate the cows. I throw up in the dream, and realize I’m missing a tooth. I tongue the area, panicking, when I realize all of my teeth feel loose (you know that point where the tooth is just about ready to pop out but it hurts too much to yank?) and I panic even harder.
The dreams jumps a final time, he’s inspecting me. Hopping around quick and effortlessly despite how large he is in size, back and forth getting very uncomfortably close to my face. He then tells me his plans to mate with me and see how that works out and that I’m turning into one of them, hence the teeth falling out. This is where I go all Rambo on everyone for another hour and cause a lot of havoc but I just end up losing all my teeth, dying and waking up.
v. held (həld), hold·ing, holds
a. To have and keep in one’s grasp: held the reins tightly.
b. To aim or direct; point: held a hose on the fire.
c. To keep from falling or moving; support.
d. To sustain the pressure of: The old bridge can’t hold much weight.
Education has taught me that is the definition of ‘hold’, to hold, to be holding, to have held.
To hold something in the palm of your hand, the tips of your fingers, close to your chest, close to your heart. Close. Just hold it close.
You can hold almost anything: a quarter, a pen, a scalpel, a key, a bottle, a cigarette, a hand, a body.
You can feel the material and the level of importance behind it. It’s iron, it’s concrete, it’s resolved, it has purpose and meaning. A pen is just a pen is just a pen, until you’re signing your child’s birth certificate - right? A key is just a key is just a key, until you’re handed the one to your first house.
Concrete things matter to people, they need substance and objects of personal possession to feel success.
My mother said to me the other day in reference to her boyfriend making a relationship mistake, “Shouldn’t he buy me something? You know, to show me that he’s sorry and that he appreciates me and that I actually mean something to him. To show that he knows he did wrong?”
I stared in wonder at her, her brows furrowed and lowered.
Do I want someone to hold me? Do I want to be held? A friend, a lover, a parent to keep me standing?
Instead of taking my hand and holding it close, hold significance. Let me be significant.
1. Having or expressing a meaning; meaningful.
2. Having or expressing a covert meaning; suggestive: a significant glance.
3. Having or likely to have a major effect; important: a significant change in the tax laws.
4. Fairly large in amount or quantity: significant casualties; no significant opposition.
5. Statistics of or relating to observations or occurrences that are too closely correlated to be attributed to chance and therefore indicate a systematic relationship.